Why I Don't Teach Children to Share

Wait… what? It sounds almost wrong to say out loud.

After all, aren’t we supposed to teach children to share? Not exactly. What we actually want to raise is generosity, empathy, cooperation, and respect for other people. Sharing is only one possible expression of those things — and it almost never happens on command.

A question for the grown-ups

Imagine you own a car. Your neighbour walks over and says, “You have a car. I want it now.” Do you hand over the keys? Probably not. You’d say something like “No, I’m using it,” or “You can borrow it tomorrow,” or “Sure — if you bring it back by five.” And no one would call you selfish for it.

Yet this is often exactly what we ask of children. A little one is happily building with blocks; another child wants those blocks; and a grown-up steps in with “You need to share.” But why? The first child was already using them.

Children are people, not practice robots

Just like us, children have possessions, projects, ideas, and personal space. When we constantly require them to give up something they’re in the middle of, we teach a quietly confusing lesson: other people’s wants matter more than your rights. That isn’t generosity — it’s compliance. And true generosity can only exist when a child is also free to say “no.”

Sharing and taking turns are not the same thing

Most of what we call “sharing” is really taking turns — and they’re different skills.

Sharing is when I choose to let you use something that’s mine. It’s voluntary; I can say yes or no.

Taking turns is when we both want the same thing and agree on a system: one person uses it now, the other uses it next.

Think back to the car. Lending it to your neighbour for two hours and getting it back is much closer to taking turns than to sharing. It’s the same for children — when one child finishes and the next gets a turn, that’s taking turns. And taking turns is often the more realistic, more useful life skill.

When are children actually ready to share?

Many parents are surprised to hear that toddlers are naturally possessive — and that it’s completely normal. Children under three are still building self-control, empathy, perspective-taking, and even a basic understanding of ownership. A two-year-old can grasp “mine.” But “you want it too, and I care about your feelings enough to give it to you” takes far more developmental time. Genuine, voluntary sharing tends to grow between ages three and five, and keeps developing for years after — and even then, no child (and no adult) shares every single time they’re asked.

What to say instead

Instead of “Share the toy,” try:

• “You’re using it right now.”
• “When you’re done, Jacob would like a turn.”
• “Would you like to let her use it, or are you still playing?”
• “You can decide when you’re finished.”

These small phrases protect one child’s ownership and acknowledge the other child’s wish — without forcing anyone.

The goal was never sharing

The goal isn’t a child who automatically gives their things away. It’s a child who can respect other people’s rights, protect their own boundaries, wait for a turn, cooperate, and choose generosity when they’re ready. And here’s the quiet irony: children who feel secure in what’s theirs usually become more generous over time. When they trust that no one will force them to hand things over, they’re finally free to offer.

The method in this moment: Pause · Observe · Follow · Respond

• Pause. Before you step in with “share,” take a breath. A tug-of-war over a toy rarely needs an instant verdict.
• Observe. See what’s actually happening: one child is using something, another wants it. That’s not bad behaviour — it’s two normal needs meeting.
• Follow. Let both children’s needs guide you — protect the one who’s using it, and give the waiting one words and a turn to look forward to.
• Respond. Offer the calm script — “You’re using it now; when you’re done, it’s her turn” — so ownership stays safe and the turn is clearly coming.

The next time a child says “I’m not sharing,” try picturing your own car, your phone, your favourite chair. Would you hand it over the second someone wanted it — or would you expect your turn to be respected? Maybe children deserve that same respect too.

New here? The free Pause · Observe · Follow · Respond card is a simple place to begin.